Okay. Time to be vulnerable for a
moment.
WORRY. If I were told to choose one word to portray my greatest
weakness, it would be this word.
I hate this word. I cling to worry because I think it will keep me
safe. Do I think I have control
over the things that will happen to me? No, I know that I have no control. Worry neither
protects nor comforts me. It makes
me sick. It traps me. It makes a mockery of my precious
Jesus. What does it say of where my faith is placed? I shudder to think of how often my worry has caused me to
miss out on an intimate deepening of my relationship with Christ.
The past few weeks I have seen
Christ take me by the hand to follow Him on a path that I would not have chosen
for myself. I wish I could say
that the beginning of this new walk was peaceful and that I immediately followed
and obeyed with a calm and trusting spirit.
It was not that way
at all. In fact, Christ had to
carry me through the first few steps.
I fought with all the strength I could muster within myself and forbade
myself of surrendering to a change in plans. In my resistance, Christ broke my spirit. With gentle yet firm hands He has
lead me to a new place.
I was not sure I would ever grow
to accept this new place. In fact,
I was almost certain that I would never be happy again. I clenched my eyes shut so I wouldn’t
have to see where I was, especially since I didn’t plan on staying long. I tried
to convince myself that God had taken a wrong turn. It didn’t work.
It wasn’t until I exhausted myself that I allowed my eyes to open.
And what I saw was different. Everything was vaguely familiar yet strikingly altered.
My thoughts were somewhat like
this:
God, I’m scared.
I know. Be still.
God, this doesn’t make sense.
I know, it won’t right now. Be still.
God, I can’t.
I know, but I can. Be still.
God, everything is different.
I know, but I am the same.
Be still.
I’ve let go. All of my hopes and dreams- they are
His. He can do what He wants with
my life. He doesn’t need my input,
although He does listen. But He has simply asked me to trust Him.
So here I am. Emotionally raw. Vulnerably exposed. Nothing left to hide behind. I’ve been broken so that I can be
remade. In truth, it’s the most
beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Painful, but beautiful.
