Surrender

          

Okay. Time to be vulnerable for a moment.

WORRY.  If I were told to choose one word to portray my greatest weakness, it would be this word.   I hate this word. I cling to worry because I think it will keep me safe.  Do I think I have control over the things that will happen to me? No, I know that I have no control. Worry neither protects nor comforts me.  It makes me sick.  It traps me.  It makes a mockery of my precious Jesus. What does it say of where my faith is placed?  I shudder to think of how often my worry has caused me to miss out on an intimate deepening of my relationship with Christ. 

The past few weeks I have seen Christ take me by the hand to follow Him on a path that I would not have chosen for myself.  I wish I could say that the beginning of this new walk was peaceful and that I immediately followed and obeyed with a calm and trusting spirit. 

It was not that way at all.  In fact, Christ had to carry me through the first few steps.  I fought with all the strength I could muster within myself and forbade myself of surrendering to a change in plans.  In my resistance, Christ broke my spirit.   With gentle yet firm hands He has lead me to a new place. 

I was not sure I would ever grow to accept this new place.  In fact, I was almost certain that I would never be happy again.  I clenched my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to see where I was, especially since I didn’t plan on staying long. I tried to convince myself that God had taken a wrong turn.  It didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I exhausted myself that I allowed my eyes to open.    

And what I saw was different. Everything was vaguely familiar yet strikingly altered. 

My thoughts were somewhat like this:

 God, I’m scared.

I know. Be still.

God, this doesn’t make sense.

I know, it won’t right now. Be still.

God, I can’t.

I know, but I can. Be still.

God, everything is different.

I know, but I am the same.  Be still.

I’ve let go.  All of my hopes and dreams- they are His.  He can do what He wants with my life.  He doesn’t need my input, although He does listen.  But He has simply asked me to trust Him. 

So here I am.  Emotionally raw.  Vulnerably exposed.  Nothing left to hide behind.  I’ve been broken so that I can be remade.  In truth, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Painful, but beautiful.

A Disarray of thoughts

I find it ironic and somewhat funny that the last blog I posted was August 17,2012.  Guess I didn't do so well with blogging this past year.  Reading through my past posts, I feel almost like a different person.  I guess we are subject to change as time goes on.  It just doesn't feel quite real.

I'm not always great with words.  My thoughts on paper (or in this case via electronics) are usually a vast patchwork of unorganized feelings and perceptions of my life.
I am about to enter my 4th year of college.

What?

 I graduate a year from this coming December.  It's almost surreal.  I remember 3 years ago at this time, anxiously anticipating the start of my freshman year at Baptist Bible College.  In the most cliche way possible, I will say this...I had no idea how much my life was about to change.

I've met friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with the rest of my life.
I've had professors that have challenged my way of thinking and have urged me to search out the Word.
I've had a family that has supported and encouraged me to stick with music education and to work hard as unto the Lord and not to man.
I've been exposed to opportunities and experiences that have solidified what God's word says.  (I know that God's Word is sufficient and of more worth than anything I can experience)

There is so much.  How can I even express in mere words how valuable this time of my life has been?

There were things that weren't so pleasant.
I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've reacted in ways that I shouldn't have.
I've seen friends and family go through extremely difficult circumstances.
I've failed many times in the process of learning new skills.
I've wanted to give up because I didn't remind myself of truths from God's word.

BUT...He was faithful.  He is faithful.  He's not done working on me.


All this to say, it's always good to reflect on where you have been.  And to thank the Lord for where you are.  And remember where you are going.

Goodbye summer?

Wow. Where did the last 3 1/2 months go?! I feel like just a week ago, I was pulling up to the house with all my junk from school packed up, feeling so overwhelmed and nervous about how the summer would turn out.  This summer definitely was different than the ones past. 
I am revisiting my goals for the summer:

1. Fall more in love with my Precious Savior (Which entails A LOT )
2. Spend time with my family
3.  Learn how to cook well, sew, and clean.
3. Maintain a summer job
4. 30 day shred everyday
5. Get super involved in my home church
6. Counsel at teen leadership conference

1. Yes, I fell more in love my Precious Savior. I learned a lot about God and a lot about my selfishness. Thankfully I will never learn everything there is to know about God which will result in forever wanting to know more!
2. I spent a good amount of time with my family. Perhaps not enough, but I am glad to have been able to be home and go throughout "normal" life for awhile with them :)
3. I can sort of cook. Still don't know how to sew. And I'm not sure I have the cleaning thing down :p
4. I definitely didn't do the 30 day shred every day, but I joined weightwatchers and lost about 18 pounds so far. So I think I am satisfied with that!
5. I was definitely super involved at church. I worked as an apprentice, doing renovations in the church and evangelism. I also helped out in worship band and filled in for sunday school and vbs and church camp.
6. I didn't counsel at TLC, but I sang in the worship band, which was a WONDERFUL opportunity and VERY stretching. But I am so glad I was able to.

It's funny looking back at my goals and how things actually turned out. That's life though.  Not everything we want to happen happens and well, things that we don't expect, happen.  God is good.  If there is one way I can sum of this summer, it is that God is good and never changes, even when everything in my life seems to be.

So I'm a junior. What?
I feel like I should still be in highschool, but in less than 5 days I begin my junior year of college. Here is to a new school year. New lessons. New friends (and old :P). New challenges. But the same God. Who could ask for more?

It's July?

A week has come and gone since my last post. I can hardly believe it's July 5th already! Two more days and I will have been out of school for the summer for two months! Man time flies when you're busy.

This past week has been pretty busy.  Painted the church last week with the Hammons. Mom and dad were gone to NY for the week for vacation and david was at BBC basketball camp.  So, it was just Jonnie and me at home for a week. I spent it working, reading, doing online class homework, and exercising.

I just completed week three of weightwatchers. I only lost .8 pounds which was somewhat of a letdown to me yesterday.  I worked out everyday last week and ate healthy.  But today I was greatly encouraged! A pair of jeans that were tight when I bought them now fit me perfectly and almost loosely! So I decided to take a look into my "motivation" bin that I made back in February. The plan then was to try on the clothes every month.  I kind of gave up on it after I got sick in February and wasn't working out as much.  So today I tried on some clothes in it. I was able to take 12 shirts out of my bin! How's that for encouragement? So even though I didn't lose on the scale, my measurements are coming down! So exciting. 

I've done the shred for the past 5 days. I forgot how much I love this workout. It's circuit training consists of 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 of abs.  You get an effective workout in 20 minutes, plus about 7 mins of warm-up and cooldown.  I can already feel a difference in strength!

All this to say I am still motivated :)

A week from this friday I leave to head up to BBC to work at TLC. I am so excited! I accepted the Lord as my Savior my first time at TLC in 2005! I will be singing in the worship band and I am beyond thrilled :) God is so good in using us in ways we never imagined.

Another month has slipped by...

So another month has gone by and I have failed to post a blog. Silly me.  This summer is turning out to be just what I hoped it would be and not at all how I imagined it to be. Does that even make sense?

I've been learning that expectations have to be realistic. Goals have to be realistic. Plans have to be made. Tasks have to be accomplished.  Everything worth fighting for is, well, hard work. I can make a list of the things I (me, myself, and I, Cassandra Winkert) want to accomplish. But without seeking guidance from my best friend, Jesus, I will accomplish nothing.  The process of losing self hurts excruciatingly.  I want to give up a lot because I am so scared of failing. Duh. Of course I'll fail when I try to do things in my own strength.  I might trick myself into thinking I'm doing really well on my own for awhile, but ultimately it will fall apart. And I'm not just saying that. I know it happens.

Where do I even begin to recap all that has happened this past month?


Well,I have been working at the church a couple days a week for the past six weeks now. Hard to believe!!!  We spent time removing wall paper from the nursery and taking off the glue.  The whole nursery has been redone with new carpeting and yellow walls! It looks wonderful.  We also took down the wall paper in the hallway and coat closet.  Let me tell you, I refuse to ever put up wallpaper in my house! It is not worth the trouble of taking it down!!!  The plan is to paint the hallway, put tile in the hallway, remove the carpet in the auditorium, put new carpet in the auditorium and wood floor on the stage.  It's quite a big job but I am thankful for all I am learning from the Hammon's family about renovating!  The hard work will pay off!

Two weeks ago, I went to NIH for a pre-screening visit for a health study that I might be participating in.  At this visit, I was weighed.  Let me tell you, I was shocked at the number on the scale.  I've struggled with my weight since high school, but I never thought it would go as far as it has.

So you know what I did? I joined weight watchers.  My mother had done it before and my pastor's wife Ms. Holly had before.  The system seems to work.  It makes sense, really.  Its all about portion control.  You get a set number of points based on your height and weight.  You stay within those daily points to lose an average of 1-2 pounds a week.  Slow and steady weight loss! You also get a weekly allowance of points to use whenever you want and you can also earn points with physical activity! It's so easy and fits right into my life.

I knew I couldn't go on a program that requires 4-5 hours of exercise a day when I have so many other things that I need to do this summer.  Honestly, even if I was able to do that everyday this summer, there is no way I could maintain that for the rest of my life.  I needed a program that fit into my life and taught me how to eat healthy.  4-5 hours of exercise a day sounds a bit obsessive to me, although I applaud people that are able to do it.  I needed a lifestyle change and I have definitely found it.

I am proud to say that I am 9 pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago.  I am excited where this program will take me over the next year.  I have been learning to make realistic goals with myself.  I can't expect what has taken years to be, to come off in two months.  This will definitely be a test of diligence.  I also have to keep my motivation in line.  I don't want motivation to be about self-image.  It's not about me.  I want to do this so I can be best equipped for whatever the lord has in store for my life.  Honestly, I am terrified of failing, I am even super nervous about posting this blog because I am being so vulnerable.  I don't want people to see me fail.  But I know that accountability and encouragement is essential to any new discipline.

My strength comes from the Lord.

I relearned the importance of Jesus time.

So I've been home for almost a week and have begun to notice that some of my discipline that I worked towards this semester slowly seemed to be slipping.  Staying in the Word is a choice I must make consciously every single day.  Why would I want to go one day without spending time learning about Jesus?

I plan to become an "organization freak" this summer.  I've started making my lists, marking my calendar, organizing my priorities, and so on.  I want to be consistent and diligent in following my schedules and getting my work done this summer. I can talk about these things that I want to do all I want, but I need to actually do it!

In the time I spent in the word today, I read some pretty amazing things. Things that I often take for granted.  For the past semester, I have meditated on Ephesians 1:3-10.  I was going through those verses again tonight. As God's child, I am blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.  God chose me!!! Before the foundation of the world. You know what that means? He chose me before I even existed! I couldn't have done anything to merit such favor.  I found myself thinking "Jesus, that doesn't make sense.  Why would you choose such a wretched person, enslaved to sinful passions and selfish desires, for righteousness- to bring you honor and glory!"

Unworthy.

That's what we are!

In verse 4 of chapter one, it goes on to say that God's purpose for this salvation is to make us holy and blameless. He makes the unrighteous righteous and the unworthy worthy. 

"In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons..." He did it for love.  My search for love ends at the cross and the redeeming work of a savior who humbly bowed his head down and died that I might live for His glory and no longer for myself. 

In my MacArthur study bible, when talking about this verse it says "Human parents can bestow their love, resources, and inheritance on an adopted child but not their own distinct characteristics." But God does! For those that He chose and those that believed by faith through grace, He imparts His very nature.  I am overwhelmed! I not only receive Christ's blessings, but His very nature?

Verse 6 is even more amazing.  It says this is all done "...to the praise of His glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the beloved." When I was reading this verse a couple months ago I skipped over it because I didn't understand it fully...that was dumb! The "which" is referring to God's unmerited favor (grace). God blessed us through Christ being a propitiation and substitution for our sins. He imputed righteousness to our account because of Jesus! We are accepted by God.

I am beloved of God. Now I must live like it.

Home

So I am home. Another close to a wonderful year filled with learning, laughter, and life lessons I will never forget.  I can hardly believe I am a junior in college now. Where has all the time go? I can clearly remember my first day of 4th grade which was my first day in a school setting.  I remember all the excitement and anticipation of all that I would do and become in the years ahead.  Now here I am, 11 years late, reflecting on all that I have been blessed with.  It's unreal.

My long anticipate summer at home has finally begun. Day 1 was Mother's day.  My brothers and I bought my mother a bunch of random little gift items and red roses.  My mom is seriously the best mom ever.  She is the best one for me. We went to church in the morning and then went to a Burmese restaurant with a lot of my extended family. We spent the majority of the day with them.

So here goes my first "real" day of summer.  I woke up later than anticipated, which really was not a surprise.  I am still trying to get a lot of my summer plans in order.  It seems like there is SO much that I want to accomplish this summer, but I know I am going to have to take it one day at a time and be diligent to get it all done.  God has been faithful, and He will continue to be all the days of my life. 


Here's to a summer of a growing closer to Jesus, changing habits, and enjoying family.  Let's do this.