Rejoice. Pray. Give Thanks. Repeat.

The truth is life can be hard.  Not really a profound statement.  But on some days, the idea of getting out of bed makes me sick. 

Many thoughts run through my mind before starting my day.

Really? I have to do this all over again?

It’s not fair.

I don’t want to.

What’s the point?

Too tired.

Sometimes my thoughts get deeper and more directed at God.

            I’m just going to fail like I did yesterday.

            I see no progress, no growth, and no change. Where are you?            

            Do you not see how distressed I am?

            Why would you put me somewhere that I hate?

            Is this really for my good? 

            Why is it this way? Why couldn’t it be the way someone else has it?

We all have these moments. Lately,  it seems like it's been my way of life.  I see no growth, no progress, and no change.  I understand that as a Christian, I need to be refined.  This means being stripped bare, tossed in the fire, and cleansed of those things that are ugly.  Oh, there are ugly things in my life.  

I find myself desperately seeking to stay away from anything that makes me uncomfortable or causes me pain.  I have not experienced pain or suffering to the degree that many people I know have.   But I hate being uncomfortable. I know; I am incredibly selfish.

I believe that each person’s struggle is different.  Our suffering is made for us.  It’s made to bring God glory.  My suffering is different from yours because God saw that this was the best way to make HIM look good in my life. 

But here is my problem. Knowing that suffering is good for me and believing that it is good for me are two different things.  If I truly believe it, I would change my attitude.  More than often, I am caught between those two things.  I get tired of people reminding me “Joy is a choice” or “God’s plans are for your good”.  Yes these are true.  I’ve grown up hearing these things.  I’ve read it in God’s word.  But why does my heart remain bitter when sorrow and difficulty accompany every day tasks?

The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I don’t pray as I ought.  Instead of approaching the source of my renewal, I complain. I become angry.  I cry.  I take it out on people I love and care about.  I’m tired of staying in this place of knowing what I need to do and not doing it. 

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.          (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

                      

What if I lived this way?

Rejoicing always? That seems impossible in my circumstance.

Praying all the time? How do I actually do that?

Giving thanks in everything? Won’t I run out of things to be thankful for?

These three things: Rejoicing, Praying, Thanking.  These are God’s will for me.  It’s time I take it seriously.  In the face of hardship, I know that I can rejoice. I know that I can pray to my loving Savior.  And I know that I can always give thanks no matter the circumstances.  The truth is all there and it’s time to live by this verse.  It's an endless cycle.  

Fall

There are many things that I love about fall.

The quiet Saturday mornings where I can curl up in my favorite sweater with a cup of coffee in one hand and my Bible in the other.

The smell of the many pumpkin treats that I have waited for all year long.

The sound of the leaves crunching as I walk. 

The long drives taken on Sunday afternoons in order to see the trees with leaves painted in a glorious spread of yellows, oranges, and reds.   

The bonfires. The hayrides. The corn mazes.  The list could goes on.

There is something about fall that causes me to slow down the busy pace of my life.  I feel more at ease to quiet my soul and to listen more than I speak.  In the quiet, I receive more than I ever thought to be possible.  Feeling His presence more deeply, I can hear my Father more clearly.  

Fall helps me find the place where I should be all year long.  It reunites me with the promise that God is always near.  I am reminded that if He cares for lilies of the field or the birds of the air, how much more must He love me?  I see how intimately He is involved with the changing of the seasons.  The air becomes cooler and the leaves change their color and fall off the trees. He knows when the time is right for the birds to fly south.  In the midst of all this change, He is in control.

I am at a time in life where I feel like I am transitioning.  I graduate this coming December.  Lord willing I will be headed off to South Africa for 4 months.  But I still feel like I have so many questions in the middle of all this change.

How am I going to make it through student teaching?

God, I’m worried about finances.  How will I be able to pay for everything?

What will I do when I graduate? 

God how will you bring in the support for my missions trip?

What happens after I return from South Africa in May? 

God, I’d like to get married. When will I meet someone? When will I get married?

His response has been “Be still. I will take care of you.” '

Nothing specific has been answered, but I know that I have a hope for my future.  And that is far more than enough for me.

Today I find my rest in many of His promises.

He is my salvation.  Psalm 62:7

My salvation was a gift. Nothing I did earned it.  Romans 6:23

I will know no love greater than His for me.  By His wounds I have been healed.  Isaiah 53:5

He shows compassion to me as a father showing compassion to His children. Psalm 103:13

All things work together for my good.  Romans 8:28

One day, death and sorrow will be no more.  Revelation 21:4

He will heal me when I am brokenhearted.  Psalm 147:3

His Word will transform me. Psalm 19:7

In the times of quiet, the verses containing these truths wash away any worry about the future that might have infested my soul.  My heavenly father speaks these truths to me when I need them most.  I often miss them because I am not listening for Him.  It is the prayer of my heart that God would teach me how to be a better listener.  It is in the silence that I find perfect peace and rest.

From the Diary of a Student Teacher...

God is so good.  All summer I have been dreading this whole student teaching experience.  Now I find myself excited to begin teaching on Monday.  I am surprised at the joy that comes from being around these children and helping them to experience music and express themselves with it.

Why was I so fearful of this?  Perhaps many of my fears were and are irrational.   I overwhelm myself with lies far too often. 

My conversations with myself go like this:

You’re not good enough.

           

On your own, definitely not! But who is your God? Is He not the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe?

You have nothing to offer.  

           

You have been given much. Stop hoarding it for yourself because you are afraid. 

You are going to fail.

           

You will most definitely fail sometimes. Humble yourself and get over it. How else will you learn?

What will people think?

            Are you working for the approval of men or of God?  Each day you have a choice in who you will serve. Choose wisely.

I can’t do this.

            God has given you all you need.  He has put you here in this place for His glory.  Do you trust Him? Do you really trust that He would never lead you where He will not sustain and guide you?  If you are diligent and hard worker, He will bless. 

I have found that I am a selfish person.   I’m not saying this so you can say “Wow! Look at how open and honest she is about herself! She must be so godly and intune with the Lord!”  No.  I am such a sinner. I am not boasting in this.  I have nothing to boast in except Christ.  I am in a place where I am so overwhelmed with what God is teaching me.  He has brought me from complete despair about life and the future and reminded me of my glorious hope in Jesus Christ, all in the past two weeks.  Oh how I will never understand such peace.  

Honesty. The best policy.

I haven't posted since January.  I think when I first started this blog in 2011, I pictured myself blogging once a week on the every day, normal happenings of my life.  Well, I can see that didn't work!  6 months since my last post.  It's strange how so much can change in half a year. 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days. 4382 hours. 262874 minutes.  And no, I did not do that math myself.  Praise God for google.

This summer I have lived at home for the first time in two years.  I've just completed four years of college with one semester left of student teaching to complete my degree in music education.  The finish line is in sight, a vision I wasn't always certain I would see.

As I reflect on the beautiful chapters that God has written in the small story of my life, I see His hand everywhere.  Hands that took away what I wasn't willing to give up.  Hands that healed when I couldn't understand why He would take me through such pain.  Hands that showed me how small I viewed Him and much more He could do with my life if I surrendered.  Hands that picked me up when I refused to listen and would rather solve my problems my own way. Hands that disciplined when I sinned and hands that taught me grace and mercy are needed every day. Hands that showed me how selfish I could be and how unaware I was of the people hurting around me.

Can I be completely and unashamedly honest right now? Well, it's my blogpost and I think I shall.  LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT CHRIST.  There I said it.  It's true. It's really true! How silly are we to think (as followers of Christ) we can make it on our own.  That we can go about our own thing and pursue the things of this life without a second thought of Christ.

I speak as a follower of Christ who isn't perfect.  I am greatly looking forward to the day where I receive my glorified body and no longer feel the weight of temptation or desire to do wrong.  Why is it so scary to admit that? Did not Christ come to save SINNERS?  Why is the Church so often full of people that are obsessed with making it look like they have it all together?  I am one of those people and I hate it.  I am made more aware of my desperate, urgent, and fierce need for a Savior as each day of my life passes.

Yesterday I met up with a friend that I met this summer at local college group gathering near my home.  I can't even begin to express how refreshing it was to share my testimony with her and be completely real and honest about what Christ has done in my life!  I was so encouraged.  This is the Christian life.  Sharing the gospel.  Sharing what Christ has done.  My actions are not enough.  And to be honest, a lot of the time my actions do not match what I profess to believe.

All of this to say, if you are a Christ follower, be encouraged.  The journey is bound to be bumpy.  I know mine is.  Stay in the Word. Pray.  Allow the Spirit to work.  Repent and turn from Sin.  Love Christ with all your heart and be honest with him with where you are at, because He already knows.

This verse has been on my heart all week.

Titus 1:16- "They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works.  They are detestable, unfit for any good work."

I don't want to be unfit anymore.


Beloved of God, you must live like it.

Surrender

          

Okay. Time to be vulnerable for a moment.

WORRY.  If I were told to choose one word to portray my greatest weakness, it would be this word.   I hate this word. I cling to worry because I think it will keep me safe.  Do I think I have control over the things that will happen to me? No, I know that I have no control. Worry neither protects nor comforts me.  It makes me sick.  It traps me.  It makes a mockery of my precious Jesus. What does it say of where my faith is placed?  I shudder to think of how often my worry has caused me to miss out on an intimate deepening of my relationship with Christ. 

The past few weeks I have seen Christ take me by the hand to follow Him on a path that I would not have chosen for myself.  I wish I could say that the beginning of this new walk was peaceful and that I immediately followed and obeyed with a calm and trusting spirit. 

It was not that way at all.  In fact, Christ had to carry me through the first few steps.  I fought with all the strength I could muster within myself and forbade myself of surrendering to a change in plans.  In my resistance, Christ broke my spirit.   With gentle yet firm hands He has lead me to a new place. 

I was not sure I would ever grow to accept this new place.  In fact, I was almost certain that I would never be happy again.  I clenched my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to see where I was, especially since I didn’t plan on staying long. I tried to convince myself that God had taken a wrong turn.  It didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I exhausted myself that I allowed my eyes to open.    

And what I saw was different. Everything was vaguely familiar yet strikingly altered. 

My thoughts were somewhat like this:

 God, I’m scared.

I know. Be still.

God, this doesn’t make sense.

I know, it won’t right now. Be still.

God, I can’t.

I know, but I can. Be still.

God, everything is different.

I know, but I am the same.  Be still.

I’ve let go.  All of my hopes and dreams- they are His.  He can do what He wants with my life.  He doesn’t need my input, although He does listen.  But He has simply asked me to trust Him. 

So here I am.  Emotionally raw.  Vulnerably exposed.  Nothing left to hide behind.  I’ve been broken so that I can be remade.  In truth, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Painful, but beautiful.

A Disarray of thoughts

I find it ironic and somewhat funny that the last blog I posted was August 17,2012.  Guess I didn't do so well with blogging this past year.  Reading through my past posts, I feel almost like a different person.  I guess we are subject to change as time goes on.  It just doesn't feel quite real.

I'm not always great with words.  My thoughts on paper (or in this case via electronics) are usually a vast patchwork of unorganized feelings and perceptions of my life.
I am about to enter my 4th year of college.

What?

 I graduate a year from this coming December.  It's almost surreal.  I remember 3 years ago at this time, anxiously anticipating the start of my freshman year at Baptist Bible College.  In the most cliche way possible, I will say this...I had no idea how much my life was about to change.

I've met friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with the rest of my life.
I've had professors that have challenged my way of thinking and have urged me to search out the Word.
I've had a family that has supported and encouraged me to stick with music education and to work hard as unto the Lord and not to man.
I've been exposed to opportunities and experiences that have solidified what God's word says.  (I know that God's Word is sufficient and of more worth than anything I can experience)

There is so much.  How can I even express in mere words how valuable this time of my life has been?

There were things that weren't so pleasant.
I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've reacted in ways that I shouldn't have.
I've seen friends and family go through extremely difficult circumstances.
I've failed many times in the process of learning new skills.
I've wanted to give up because I didn't remind myself of truths from God's word.

BUT...He was faithful.  He is faithful.  He's not done working on me.


All this to say, it's always good to reflect on where you have been.  And to thank the Lord for where you are.  And remember where you are going.

Goodbye summer?

Wow. Where did the last 3 1/2 months go?! I feel like just a week ago, I was pulling up to the house with all my junk from school packed up, feeling so overwhelmed and nervous about how the summer would turn out.  This summer definitely was different than the ones past. 
I am revisiting my goals for the summer:

1. Fall more in love with my Precious Savior (Which entails A LOT )
2. Spend time with my family
3.  Learn how to cook well, sew, and clean.
3. Maintain a summer job
4. 30 day shred everyday
5. Get super involved in my home church
6. Counsel at teen leadership conference

1. Yes, I fell more in love my Precious Savior. I learned a lot about God and a lot about my selfishness. Thankfully I will never learn everything there is to know about God which will result in forever wanting to know more!
2. I spent a good amount of time with my family. Perhaps not enough, but I am glad to have been able to be home and go throughout "normal" life for awhile with them :)
3. I can sort of cook. Still don't know how to sew. And I'm not sure I have the cleaning thing down :p
4. I definitely didn't do the 30 day shred every day, but I joined weightwatchers and lost about 18 pounds so far. So I think I am satisfied with that!
5. I was definitely super involved at church. I worked as an apprentice, doing renovations in the church and evangelism. I also helped out in worship band and filled in for sunday school and vbs and church camp.
6. I didn't counsel at TLC, but I sang in the worship band, which was a WONDERFUL opportunity and VERY stretching. But I am so glad I was able to.

It's funny looking back at my goals and how things actually turned out. That's life though.  Not everything we want to happen happens and well, things that we don't expect, happen.  God is good.  If there is one way I can sum of this summer, it is that God is good and never changes, even when everything in my life seems to be.

So I'm a junior. What?
I feel like I should still be in highschool, but in less than 5 days I begin my junior year of college. Here is to a new school year. New lessons. New friends (and old :P). New challenges. But the same God. Who could ask for more?