Rejoice. Pray. Give Thanks. Repeat.

The truth is life can be hard.  Not really a profound statement.  But on some days, the idea of getting out of bed makes me sick. 

Many thoughts run through my mind before starting my day.

Really? I have to do this all over again?

It’s not fair.

I don’t want to.

What’s the point?

Too tired.

Sometimes my thoughts get deeper and more directed at God.

            I’m just going to fail like I did yesterday.

            I see no progress, no growth, and no change. Where are you?            

            Do you not see how distressed I am?

            Why would you put me somewhere that I hate?

            Is this really for my good? 

            Why is it this way? Why couldn’t it be the way someone else has it?

We all have these moments. Lately,  it seems like it's been my way of life.  I see no growth, no progress, and no change.  I understand that as a Christian, I need to be refined.  This means being stripped bare, tossed in the fire, and cleansed of those things that are ugly.  Oh, there are ugly things in my life.  

I find myself desperately seeking to stay away from anything that makes me uncomfortable or causes me pain.  I have not experienced pain or suffering to the degree that many people I know have.   But I hate being uncomfortable. I know; I am incredibly selfish.

I believe that each person’s struggle is different.  Our suffering is made for us.  It’s made to bring God glory.  My suffering is different from yours because God saw that this was the best way to make HIM look good in my life. 

But here is my problem. Knowing that suffering is good for me and believing that it is good for me are two different things.  If I truly believe it, I would change my attitude.  More than often, I am caught between those two things.  I get tired of people reminding me “Joy is a choice” or “God’s plans are for your good”.  Yes these are true.  I’ve grown up hearing these things.  I’ve read it in God’s word.  But why does my heart remain bitter when sorrow and difficulty accompany every day tasks?

The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I don’t pray as I ought.  Instead of approaching the source of my renewal, I complain. I become angry.  I cry.  I take it out on people I love and care about.  I’m tired of staying in this place of knowing what I need to do and not doing it. 

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.          (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

                      

What if I lived this way?

Rejoicing always? That seems impossible in my circumstance.

Praying all the time? How do I actually do that?

Giving thanks in everything? Won’t I run out of things to be thankful for?

These three things: Rejoicing, Praying, Thanking.  These are God’s will for me.  It’s time I take it seriously.  In the face of hardship, I know that I can rejoice. I know that I can pray to my loving Savior.  And I know that I can always give thanks no matter the circumstances.  The truth is all there and it’s time to live by this verse.  It's an endless cycle.  

Fall

There are many things that I love about fall.

The quiet Saturday mornings where I can curl up in my favorite sweater with a cup of coffee in one hand and my Bible in the other.

The smell of the many pumpkin treats that I have waited for all year long.

The sound of the leaves crunching as I walk. 

The long drives taken on Sunday afternoons in order to see the trees with leaves painted in a glorious spread of yellows, oranges, and reds.   

The bonfires. The hayrides. The corn mazes.  The list could goes on.

There is something about fall that causes me to slow down the busy pace of my life.  I feel more at ease to quiet my soul and to listen more than I speak.  In the quiet, I receive more than I ever thought to be possible.  Feeling His presence more deeply, I can hear my Father more clearly.  

Fall helps me find the place where I should be all year long.  It reunites me with the promise that God is always near.  I am reminded that if He cares for lilies of the field or the birds of the air, how much more must He love me?  I see how intimately He is involved with the changing of the seasons.  The air becomes cooler and the leaves change their color and fall off the trees. He knows when the time is right for the birds to fly south.  In the midst of all this change, He is in control.

I am at a time in life where I feel like I am transitioning.  I graduate this coming December.  Lord willing I will be headed off to South Africa for 4 months.  But I still feel like I have so many questions in the middle of all this change.

How am I going to make it through student teaching?

God, I’m worried about finances.  How will I be able to pay for everything?

What will I do when I graduate? 

God how will you bring in the support for my missions trip?

What happens after I return from South Africa in May? 

God, I’d like to get married. When will I meet someone? When will I get married?

His response has been “Be still. I will take care of you.” '

Nothing specific has been answered, but I know that I have a hope for my future.  And that is far more than enough for me.

Today I find my rest in many of His promises.

He is my salvation.  Psalm 62:7

My salvation was a gift. Nothing I did earned it.  Romans 6:23

I will know no love greater than His for me.  By His wounds I have been healed.  Isaiah 53:5

He shows compassion to me as a father showing compassion to His children. Psalm 103:13

All things work together for my good.  Romans 8:28

One day, death and sorrow will be no more.  Revelation 21:4

He will heal me when I am brokenhearted.  Psalm 147:3

His Word will transform me. Psalm 19:7

In the times of quiet, the verses containing these truths wash away any worry about the future that might have infested my soul.  My heavenly father speaks these truths to me when I need them most.  I often miss them because I am not listening for Him.  It is the prayer of my heart that God would teach me how to be a better listener.  It is in the silence that I find perfect peace and rest.

From the Diary of a Student Teacher...

God is so good.  All summer I have been dreading this whole student teaching experience.  Now I find myself excited to begin teaching on Monday.  I am surprised at the joy that comes from being around these children and helping them to experience music and express themselves with it.

Why was I so fearful of this?  Perhaps many of my fears were and are irrational.   I overwhelm myself with lies far too often. 

My conversations with myself go like this:

You’re not good enough.

           

On your own, definitely not! But who is your God? Is He not the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe?

You have nothing to offer.  

           

You have been given much. Stop hoarding it for yourself because you are afraid. 

You are going to fail.

           

You will most definitely fail sometimes. Humble yourself and get over it. How else will you learn?

What will people think?

            Are you working for the approval of men or of God?  Each day you have a choice in who you will serve. Choose wisely.

I can’t do this.

            God has given you all you need.  He has put you here in this place for His glory.  Do you trust Him? Do you really trust that He would never lead you where He will not sustain and guide you?  If you are diligent and hard worker, He will bless. 

I have found that I am a selfish person.   I’m not saying this so you can say “Wow! Look at how open and honest she is about herself! She must be so godly and intune with the Lord!”  No.  I am such a sinner. I am not boasting in this.  I have nothing to boast in except Christ.  I am in a place where I am so overwhelmed with what God is teaching me.  He has brought me from complete despair about life and the future and reminded me of my glorious hope in Jesus Christ, all in the past two weeks.  Oh how I will never understand such peace.  

Honesty. The best policy.

I haven't posted since January.  I think when I first started this blog in 2011, I pictured myself blogging once a week on the every day, normal happenings of my life.  Well, I can see that didn't work!  6 months since my last post.  It's strange how so much can change in half a year. 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days. 4382 hours. 262874 minutes.  And no, I did not do that math myself.  Praise God for google.

This summer I have lived at home for the first time in two years.  I've just completed four years of college with one semester left of student teaching to complete my degree in music education.  The finish line is in sight, a vision I wasn't always certain I would see.

As I reflect on the beautiful chapters that God has written in the small story of my life, I see His hand everywhere.  Hands that took away what I wasn't willing to give up.  Hands that healed when I couldn't understand why He would take me through such pain.  Hands that showed me how small I viewed Him and much more He could do with my life if I surrendered.  Hands that picked me up when I refused to listen and would rather solve my problems my own way. Hands that disciplined when I sinned and hands that taught me grace and mercy are needed every day. Hands that showed me how selfish I could be and how unaware I was of the people hurting around me.

Can I be completely and unashamedly honest right now? Well, it's my blogpost and I think I shall.  LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT CHRIST.  There I said it.  It's true. It's really true! How silly are we to think (as followers of Christ) we can make it on our own.  That we can go about our own thing and pursue the things of this life without a second thought of Christ.

I speak as a follower of Christ who isn't perfect.  I am greatly looking forward to the day where I receive my glorified body and no longer feel the weight of temptation or desire to do wrong.  Why is it so scary to admit that? Did not Christ come to save SINNERS?  Why is the Church so often full of people that are obsessed with making it look like they have it all together?  I am one of those people and I hate it.  I am made more aware of my desperate, urgent, and fierce need for a Savior as each day of my life passes.

Yesterday I met up with a friend that I met this summer at local college group gathering near my home.  I can't even begin to express how refreshing it was to share my testimony with her and be completely real and honest about what Christ has done in my life!  I was so encouraged.  This is the Christian life.  Sharing the gospel.  Sharing what Christ has done.  My actions are not enough.  And to be honest, a lot of the time my actions do not match what I profess to believe.

All of this to say, if you are a Christ follower, be encouraged.  The journey is bound to be bumpy.  I know mine is.  Stay in the Word. Pray.  Allow the Spirit to work.  Repent and turn from Sin.  Love Christ with all your heart and be honest with him with where you are at, because He already knows.

This verse has been on my heart all week.

Titus 1:16- "They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works.  They are detestable, unfit for any good work."

I don't want to be unfit anymore.


Beloved of God, you must live like it.

Surrender

          

Okay. Time to be vulnerable for a moment.

WORRY.  If I were told to choose one word to portray my greatest weakness, it would be this word.   I hate this word. I cling to worry because I think it will keep me safe.  Do I think I have control over the things that will happen to me? No, I know that I have no control. Worry neither protects nor comforts me.  It makes me sick.  It traps me.  It makes a mockery of my precious Jesus. What does it say of where my faith is placed?  I shudder to think of how often my worry has caused me to miss out on an intimate deepening of my relationship with Christ. 

The past few weeks I have seen Christ take me by the hand to follow Him on a path that I would not have chosen for myself.  I wish I could say that the beginning of this new walk was peaceful and that I immediately followed and obeyed with a calm and trusting spirit. 

It was not that way at all.  In fact, Christ had to carry me through the first few steps.  I fought with all the strength I could muster within myself and forbade myself of surrendering to a change in plans.  In my resistance, Christ broke my spirit.   With gentle yet firm hands He has lead me to a new place. 

I was not sure I would ever grow to accept this new place.  In fact, I was almost certain that I would never be happy again.  I clenched my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to see where I was, especially since I didn’t plan on staying long. I tried to convince myself that God had taken a wrong turn.  It didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I exhausted myself that I allowed my eyes to open.    

And what I saw was different. Everything was vaguely familiar yet strikingly altered. 

My thoughts were somewhat like this:

 God, I’m scared.

I know. Be still.

God, this doesn’t make sense.

I know, it won’t right now. Be still.

God, I can’t.

I know, but I can. Be still.

God, everything is different.

I know, but I am the same.  Be still.

I’ve let go.  All of my hopes and dreams- they are His.  He can do what He wants with my life.  He doesn’t need my input, although He does listen.  But He has simply asked me to trust Him. 

So here I am.  Emotionally raw.  Vulnerably exposed.  Nothing left to hide behind.  I’ve been broken so that I can be remade.  In truth, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Painful, but beautiful.

A Disarray of thoughts

I find it ironic and somewhat funny that the last blog I posted was August 17,2012.  Guess I didn't do so well with blogging this past year.  Reading through my past posts, I feel almost like a different person.  I guess we are subject to change as time goes on.  It just doesn't feel quite real.

I'm not always great with words.  My thoughts on paper (or in this case via electronics) are usually a vast patchwork of unorganized feelings and perceptions of my life.
I am about to enter my 4th year of college.

What?

 I graduate a year from this coming December.  It's almost surreal.  I remember 3 years ago at this time, anxiously anticipating the start of my freshman year at Baptist Bible College.  In the most cliche way possible, I will say this...I had no idea how much my life was about to change.

I've met friends that I am sure I will keep in touch with the rest of my life.
I've had professors that have challenged my way of thinking and have urged me to search out the Word.
I've had a family that has supported and encouraged me to stick with music education and to work hard as unto the Lord and not to man.
I've been exposed to opportunities and experiences that have solidified what God's word says.  (I know that God's Word is sufficient and of more worth than anything I can experience)

There is so much.  How can I even express in mere words how valuable this time of my life has been?

There were things that weren't so pleasant.
I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've reacted in ways that I shouldn't have.
I've seen friends and family go through extremely difficult circumstances.
I've failed many times in the process of learning new skills.
I've wanted to give up because I didn't remind myself of truths from God's word.

BUT...He was faithful.  He is faithful.  He's not done working on me.


All this to say, it's always good to reflect on where you have been.  And to thank the Lord for where you are.  And remember where you are going.

Goodbye summer?

Wow. Where did the last 3 1/2 months go?! I feel like just a week ago, I was pulling up to the house with all my junk from school packed up, feeling so overwhelmed and nervous about how the summer would turn out.  This summer definitely was different than the ones past. 
I am revisiting my goals for the summer:

1. Fall more in love with my Precious Savior (Which entails A LOT )
2. Spend time with my family
3.  Learn how to cook well, sew, and clean.
3. Maintain a summer job
4. 30 day shred everyday
5. Get super involved in my home church
6. Counsel at teen leadership conference

1. Yes, I fell more in love my Precious Savior. I learned a lot about God and a lot about my selfishness. Thankfully I will never learn everything there is to know about God which will result in forever wanting to know more!
2. I spent a good amount of time with my family. Perhaps not enough, but I am glad to have been able to be home and go throughout "normal" life for awhile with them :)
3. I can sort of cook. Still don't know how to sew. And I'm not sure I have the cleaning thing down :p
4. I definitely didn't do the 30 day shred every day, but I joined weightwatchers and lost about 18 pounds so far. So I think I am satisfied with that!
5. I was definitely super involved at church. I worked as an apprentice, doing renovations in the church and evangelism. I also helped out in worship band and filled in for sunday school and vbs and church camp.
6. I didn't counsel at TLC, but I sang in the worship band, which was a WONDERFUL opportunity and VERY stretching. But I am so glad I was able to.

It's funny looking back at my goals and how things actually turned out. That's life though.  Not everything we want to happen happens and well, things that we don't expect, happen.  God is good.  If there is one way I can sum of this summer, it is that God is good and never changes, even when everything in my life seems to be.

So I'm a junior. What?
I feel like I should still be in highschool, but in less than 5 days I begin my junior year of college. Here is to a new school year. New lessons. New friends (and old :P). New challenges. But the same God. Who could ask for more?

It's July?

A week has come and gone since my last post. I can hardly believe it's July 5th already! Two more days and I will have been out of school for the summer for two months! Man time flies when you're busy.

This past week has been pretty busy.  Painted the church last week with the Hammons. Mom and dad were gone to NY for the week for vacation and david was at BBC basketball camp.  So, it was just Jonnie and me at home for a week. I spent it working, reading, doing online class homework, and exercising.

I just completed week three of weightwatchers. I only lost .8 pounds which was somewhat of a letdown to me yesterday.  I worked out everyday last week and ate healthy.  But today I was greatly encouraged! A pair of jeans that were tight when I bought them now fit me perfectly and almost loosely! So I decided to take a look into my "motivation" bin that I made back in February. The plan then was to try on the clothes every month.  I kind of gave up on it after I got sick in February and wasn't working out as much.  So today I tried on some clothes in it. I was able to take 12 shirts out of my bin! How's that for encouragement? So even though I didn't lose on the scale, my measurements are coming down! So exciting. 

I've done the shred for the past 5 days. I forgot how much I love this workout. It's circuit training consists of 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 of abs.  You get an effective workout in 20 minutes, plus about 7 mins of warm-up and cooldown.  I can already feel a difference in strength!

All this to say I am still motivated :)

A week from this friday I leave to head up to BBC to work at TLC. I am so excited! I accepted the Lord as my Savior my first time at TLC in 2005! I will be singing in the worship band and I am beyond thrilled :) God is so good in using us in ways we never imagined.

Another month has slipped by...

So another month has gone by and I have failed to post a blog. Silly me.  This summer is turning out to be just what I hoped it would be and not at all how I imagined it to be. Does that even make sense?

I've been learning that expectations have to be realistic. Goals have to be realistic. Plans have to be made. Tasks have to be accomplished.  Everything worth fighting for is, well, hard work. I can make a list of the things I (me, myself, and I, Cassandra Winkert) want to accomplish. But without seeking guidance from my best friend, Jesus, I will accomplish nothing.  The process of losing self hurts excruciatingly.  I want to give up a lot because I am so scared of failing. Duh. Of course I'll fail when I try to do things in my own strength.  I might trick myself into thinking I'm doing really well on my own for awhile, but ultimately it will fall apart. And I'm not just saying that. I know it happens.

Where do I even begin to recap all that has happened this past month?


Well,I have been working at the church a couple days a week for the past six weeks now. Hard to believe!!!  We spent time removing wall paper from the nursery and taking off the glue.  The whole nursery has been redone with new carpeting and yellow walls! It looks wonderful.  We also took down the wall paper in the hallway and coat closet.  Let me tell you, I refuse to ever put up wallpaper in my house! It is not worth the trouble of taking it down!!!  The plan is to paint the hallway, put tile in the hallway, remove the carpet in the auditorium, put new carpet in the auditorium and wood floor on the stage.  It's quite a big job but I am thankful for all I am learning from the Hammon's family about renovating!  The hard work will pay off!

Two weeks ago, I went to NIH for a pre-screening visit for a health study that I might be participating in.  At this visit, I was weighed.  Let me tell you, I was shocked at the number on the scale.  I've struggled with my weight since high school, but I never thought it would go as far as it has.

So you know what I did? I joined weight watchers.  My mother had done it before and my pastor's wife Ms. Holly had before.  The system seems to work.  It makes sense, really.  Its all about portion control.  You get a set number of points based on your height and weight.  You stay within those daily points to lose an average of 1-2 pounds a week.  Slow and steady weight loss! You also get a weekly allowance of points to use whenever you want and you can also earn points with physical activity! It's so easy and fits right into my life.

I knew I couldn't go on a program that requires 4-5 hours of exercise a day when I have so many other things that I need to do this summer.  Honestly, even if I was able to do that everyday this summer, there is no way I could maintain that for the rest of my life.  I needed a program that fit into my life and taught me how to eat healthy.  4-5 hours of exercise a day sounds a bit obsessive to me, although I applaud people that are able to do it.  I needed a lifestyle change and I have definitely found it.

I am proud to say that I am 9 pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago.  I am excited where this program will take me over the next year.  I have been learning to make realistic goals with myself.  I can't expect what has taken years to be, to come off in two months.  This will definitely be a test of diligence.  I also have to keep my motivation in line.  I don't want motivation to be about self-image.  It's not about me.  I want to do this so I can be best equipped for whatever the lord has in store for my life.  Honestly, I am terrified of failing, I am even super nervous about posting this blog because I am being so vulnerable.  I don't want people to see me fail.  But I know that accountability and encouragement is essential to any new discipline.

My strength comes from the Lord.

I relearned the importance of Jesus time.

So I've been home for almost a week and have begun to notice that some of my discipline that I worked towards this semester slowly seemed to be slipping.  Staying in the Word is a choice I must make consciously every single day.  Why would I want to go one day without spending time learning about Jesus?

I plan to become an "organization freak" this summer.  I've started making my lists, marking my calendar, organizing my priorities, and so on.  I want to be consistent and diligent in following my schedules and getting my work done this summer. I can talk about these things that I want to do all I want, but I need to actually do it!

In the time I spent in the word today, I read some pretty amazing things. Things that I often take for granted.  For the past semester, I have meditated on Ephesians 1:3-10.  I was going through those verses again tonight. As God's child, I am blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places.  God chose me!!! Before the foundation of the world. You know what that means? He chose me before I even existed! I couldn't have done anything to merit such favor.  I found myself thinking "Jesus, that doesn't make sense.  Why would you choose such a wretched person, enslaved to sinful passions and selfish desires, for righteousness- to bring you honor and glory!"

Unworthy.

That's what we are!

In verse 4 of chapter one, it goes on to say that God's purpose for this salvation is to make us holy and blameless. He makes the unrighteous righteous and the unworthy worthy. 

"In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons..." He did it for love.  My search for love ends at the cross and the redeeming work of a savior who humbly bowed his head down and died that I might live for His glory and no longer for myself. 

In my MacArthur study bible, when talking about this verse it says "Human parents can bestow their love, resources, and inheritance on an adopted child but not their own distinct characteristics." But God does! For those that He chose and those that believed by faith through grace, He imparts His very nature.  I am overwhelmed! I not only receive Christ's blessings, but His very nature?

Verse 6 is even more amazing.  It says this is all done "...to the praise of His glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the beloved." When I was reading this verse a couple months ago I skipped over it because I didn't understand it fully...that was dumb! The "which" is referring to God's unmerited favor (grace). God blessed us through Christ being a propitiation and substitution for our sins. He imputed righteousness to our account because of Jesus! We are accepted by God.

I am beloved of God. Now I must live like it.

Home

So I am home. Another close to a wonderful year filled with learning, laughter, and life lessons I will never forget.  I can hardly believe I am a junior in college now. Where has all the time go? I can clearly remember my first day of 4th grade which was my first day in a school setting.  I remember all the excitement and anticipation of all that I would do and become in the years ahead.  Now here I am, 11 years late, reflecting on all that I have been blessed with.  It's unreal.

My long anticipate summer at home has finally begun. Day 1 was Mother's day.  My brothers and I bought my mother a bunch of random little gift items and red roses.  My mom is seriously the best mom ever.  She is the best one for me. We went to church in the morning and then went to a Burmese restaurant with a lot of my extended family. We spent the majority of the day with them.

So here goes my first "real" day of summer.  I woke up later than anticipated, which really was not a surprise.  I am still trying to get a lot of my summer plans in order.  It seems like there is SO much that I want to accomplish this summer, but I know I am going to have to take it one day at a time and be diligent to get it all done.  God has been faithful, and He will continue to be all the days of my life. 


Here's to a summer of a growing closer to Jesus, changing habits, and enjoying family.  Let's do this.

You can have me- Sidewalk Prophets

 I just heard this song for the first time and decided to look up the lyrics. This is pretty much the prayer of my heart right now.


If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love you enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father,
You can have me

Big Plans?

Summer.  It's been on my mind since....last September? I also tend to worry about my summer plans.  The summer of 2009 was a big one for me.  I graduated High School that May, which was a pretty big deal I guess.  I went to Ghana, Africa that summer.  I went to Florida to visit my nana.  I went to Teen leadership conference and I counseled at Camp Tohigo.  It was a big summer.

Last summer, I worked as a counselor for the majority of time at New Life Island.  It was a life changing experience because I had always wanted to work as a camp counselor for a summer.  It was stretching. It was uncomfortable.  It was a valuable experience.  It was big.

SO in getting ready for this coming summer, I was stressed beyond belief.  I applied for a bunch of things but had no real desire to do any of them.  My heart was longing to be at home.  It's been awhile since I've been at home for more than a month at a time.  I truly feel that God has led me to be at home this summer and at first it was somewhat of a "let-down", going from having huge summers the past two years.  But somehow I have this feeling that this summer is going to be unlike any I have ever had.

I am scared.  I have almost no friends at home.  I haven't lived with my family for a long enough period of time to get really upset and fight.  I haven't been involved in my home church since high school, and even then I can't say I was super involved.  I've changed and I've grown, and it will be different to go home where things have changed as well.  I can't expect things to always be the same.

This summer I have big plans.  And by the grace of God, I hope to achieve these goals. 

1. Fall more in love with my Precious Savior (Which entails A LOT )
2. Spend time with my family
3.  Learn how to cook well, sew, and clean.
3. Maintain a summer job
4. 30 day shred everday
5. Get super involved in my home church
6. Counsel at teen leadership conference

Even just looking at that list, I can see that God is going to do big things in my life this summer and I know he will honor diligence and discipline.  I pray for His strength!

http://setapartgirl.com/home.html

Spring Cleaning?

I am one of those people that likes to collect "stuff". I like to keep objects that remind me of certain places I have been, people I have met, and things I have done.  I also like to be prepared.  I like to have things in stock, just in case of an emergency.  I have more clothes than any female should be allowed to have and more shoes than I actually wear.

The funny thing is, I don't use more than half of the stuff that I own, I just hold onto it "just in case" the need comes for me to use it.  I am terrified of getting rid of this "stuff" that I own, because I think I will one day need it.  In reality, this stuff clutters my life. It makes me frustrated, it makes my life a mess. I think I need it to make me happy and safe, but the truth is, I don't.

The same thing can be said about the conditions of our hearts.  The very sanctuary in which the Holy Spirit dwells within. We hold onto our secret sins, our impure relationships, our wicked thoughts, our critical spirits, our selfish motivations, and our fear of complete surrender.  The list goes on.  We hold onto these things trying to convince ourselves that we need them, that these things will somehow make us happier and get us what we want.  But deep down inside we know that we can't fool ourselves, and even more we know we can't fool God. 

The deepest longing of the human heart is to be satisfied. To be content. To be loved.  Only God can give us full and complete satisfaction through Him. Nothing else.  This sort of intimacy with God cannot happen with a heart that allows itself to be controlled by garbage.  It literally hurts when I think about how much we settle.  How much I settle.  I settle for the ever so fleeting momentary pleasure.  Why?

I have been reading through 1 Peter for the past month now.  In chapter 2, verse 1-3 say

"So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good."

My heart is so cluttered with these things.  My motivations are all about self.  My thoughts are impure. I fear total and complete surrender.  I have a critical spirit and am quick to judge others.  I hold onto to former sins and try to claim the guilt that is no longer mine.  My sanctuary is full of garbage.  I don't build my life around Christ, rather I try to make Him just a "part" of my life.

I desire with all my heart to love Jesus. But it is going to require more than just words. It requires surrender.  It requires taking out the trash.  It requires presenting myself to Christ for change.  No amount of "following the rules" or trying to "appease" Christ will make me better with God.  It's about obedience.  More than anything, I want intimacy with my precious savior because of what He has done for me.  He washed, he made me white as snow, he desires a relationship with me.  No one loves me more than Him. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is time for a bit of "spring cleaning".  Yes, I need to get rid of the material junk in my life, but more importantly it is time that my inner sanctuary have a good cleaning.  It's time to take out the trash.

So these artist are pretty much my favorite right now. Jason Mraz. Missy Higgins. Sara Bareilles. Dave Barnes. Elvis. Yeah.

The Shred.

Wow, so it has been almost two weeks since I have been back at school and 3 weeks since I have written a blog post! I wish I could write about every single little thing that God has been teaching me all in this post, but I will spread it out :)

So here is to being completely transparent. 

I have struggled with my weight since I was probably around 9 or 10 years old.  I am 18, turning 19 next week.  I remember every summer after 7th grade, I would promise myself that I would lose a ton of weight before the new school year. Ultimately, I would fail.  Probably because I never had a real plan or lacked the motivation.  My reasons for doing so were completely wrapped in selfishness. 

11 Days ago, I started Jillian Michael's 30 day shred and I absolutely love it! Its 27 minutes of intense exercise, using the 3-2-1 circuit technique.  3 minutes of strength, 2 of cardio, and 1 of abs, then repeated twice.

This morning I was in my room looking at my closet and I realized how much clothes I have that I don't feel comfortable wearing.  So I came up with this idea to take all of that clothes and put it in a bin.  This bin is part of my goal, to empty it in the months to come.  Each month I will take measurements and try on clothes in my bin.  This whole process could take anywhere from 6 months to a year, but I am ready for it.  I am ready to work hard and do this.  My suitemate Emily Miller has agreed to do so with me.  It's always better when you have a buddy!!!


God has been so good with providing me the strength and energy to do this program and I am so excited to keep doing it!

Have you ever had one of those days when you come up with a large number of things you want to do and change about your life? Recently, I feel like I've been having "one of those days"  where that is all I have been doing. And it is exciting.

 I think the hardest part is just beginning.  For me, my biggest fear is failing and people seeing me fail.  I think that is what has held me back from doing A LOT of stuff.  My fear of failing comes from my pride.  I want people to see myself a certain way,  so I end up doing very little that would alter their "foggy" impression of me.  For a long time I thought that if someone did not have a set idea of who I am, I was fine. It's better they not know. 

BUT do I really want that? Not anymore.  Honestly, I realize I have been to concerned with how people perceive ME to be, not who I am in Christ.  It's selfish, really.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps.139), what have I to be afraid of? People's judgment of me?  No.  Not obeying God? Yes.  My pride has kept me from getting to know other people, building relationships, and focusing on other people's hurt.  My generation is SO wrapped up in getting things now and not later.  Patience is something that is learned through practice.  Consumed with self, we fail to see anything but the now. Instant gratification is what we want.

I am by no means wise or a person with all the answers.  I am learning, which is a life long process. I just don't want to waste anymore time being afraid of failure.  My biggest battle is stepping outside of my comfort zone and learning to trust in the Lord without leaning on my own understanding of my experiences.  But I have a feeling that once I do step out, it won't be as difficult as I thought.

Dead to Sin, Alive to God

Sin. It's ugly. It's consuming.  It's destructive.  And God hates it.  If this is so, why do I often let it control my life? It brings only temporary pleasure and separates us from communion with God.

This past Sunday, my pastor preached a message on Romans 6 and it completely blew my mind.  It's one of those passages that I seem to have read multiple times but never meditated upon.  As a daughter of the King, why do I let sin take precedence in my life? Its easy to keep our sins hidden and private so no one can see. I know this too well. 

During the service, I sat there completely overwhelmed with how great my sin is.  A heart with sin that is not confessed is heavy.  Sometimes I have felt like the more I sin, I move farther and farther away from God.  I'm ashamed to come back into His presence because He sees me for who I truly am. 

But though my sin is great, God's grace is abundant:

"Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. "  Romans 5:20-21

God always forgives the sins of those who confess. ALL of our sins.  So why do we beat ourselves up over our sins? If we confess and turn away, He is faithful to forgive us.  I understand that I can't continue to live the way I want.  It's amazing to think that Christ only had to die once for the sins of all mankind! He didn't have to die over and over again! We cannot lose our salvation.  Being dead to our sins should be part of who we are after receiving Christ. There is victory over sin because as child of God, I am no longer a slave to sin!

Why am I so surprised that I would hear this message exactly when I needed to? It's no coincidence. God is faithful.  I cannot begin to comprehend His steadfast love.  I fail constantly, yet His grace covers my sin.  When He looks at me, He sees His son. So here's to claiming the victory over sin that Christ has won.