Surrender

          

Okay. Time to be vulnerable for a moment.

WORRY.  If I were told to choose one word to portray my greatest weakness, it would be this word.   I hate this word. I cling to worry because I think it will keep me safe.  Do I think I have control over the things that will happen to me? No, I know that I have no control. Worry neither protects nor comforts me.  It makes me sick.  It traps me.  It makes a mockery of my precious Jesus. What does it say of where my faith is placed?  I shudder to think of how often my worry has caused me to miss out on an intimate deepening of my relationship with Christ. 

The past few weeks I have seen Christ take me by the hand to follow Him on a path that I would not have chosen for myself.  I wish I could say that the beginning of this new walk was peaceful and that I immediately followed and obeyed with a calm and trusting spirit. 

It was not that way at all.  In fact, Christ had to carry me through the first few steps.  I fought with all the strength I could muster within myself and forbade myself of surrendering to a change in plans.  In my resistance, Christ broke my spirit.   With gentle yet firm hands He has lead me to a new place. 

I was not sure I would ever grow to accept this new place.  In fact, I was almost certain that I would never be happy again.  I clenched my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to see where I was, especially since I didn’t plan on staying long. I tried to convince myself that God had taken a wrong turn.  It didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I exhausted myself that I allowed my eyes to open.    

And what I saw was different. Everything was vaguely familiar yet strikingly altered. 

My thoughts were somewhat like this:

 God, I’m scared.

I know. Be still.

God, this doesn’t make sense.

I know, it won’t right now. Be still.

God, I can’t.

I know, but I can. Be still.

God, everything is different.

I know, but I am the same.  Be still.

I’ve let go.  All of my hopes and dreams- they are His.  He can do what He wants with my life.  He doesn’t need my input, although He does listen.  But He has simply asked me to trust Him. 

So here I am.  Emotionally raw.  Vulnerably exposed.  Nothing left to hide behind.  I’ve been broken so that I can be remade.  In truth, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Painful, but beautiful.