From the Diary of a Student Teacher...

God is so good.  All summer I have been dreading this whole student teaching experience.  Now I find myself excited to begin teaching on Monday.  I am surprised at the joy that comes from being around these children and helping them to experience music and express themselves with it.

Why was I so fearful of this?  Perhaps many of my fears were and are irrational.   I overwhelm myself with lies far too often. 

My conversations with myself go like this:

You’re not good enough.

           

On your own, definitely not! But who is your God? Is He not the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe?

You have nothing to offer.  

           

You have been given much. Stop hoarding it for yourself because you are afraid. 

You are going to fail.

           

You will most definitely fail sometimes. Humble yourself and get over it. How else will you learn?

What will people think?

            Are you working for the approval of men or of God?  Each day you have a choice in who you will serve. Choose wisely.

I can’t do this.

            God has given you all you need.  He has put you here in this place for His glory.  Do you trust Him? Do you really trust that He would never lead you where He will not sustain and guide you?  If you are diligent and hard worker, He will bless. 

I have found that I am a selfish person.   I’m not saying this so you can say “Wow! Look at how open and honest she is about herself! She must be so godly and intune with the Lord!”  No.  I am such a sinner. I am not boasting in this.  I have nothing to boast in except Christ.  I am in a place where I am so overwhelmed with what God is teaching me.  He has brought me from complete despair about life and the future and reminded me of my glorious hope in Jesus Christ, all in the past two weeks.  Oh how I will never understand such peace.  

Have you ever had one of those days when you come up with a large number of things you want to do and change about your life? Recently, I feel like I've been having "one of those days"  where that is all I have been doing. And it is exciting.

 I think the hardest part is just beginning.  For me, my biggest fear is failing and people seeing me fail.  I think that is what has held me back from doing A LOT of stuff.  My fear of failing comes from my pride.  I want people to see myself a certain way,  so I end up doing very little that would alter their "foggy" impression of me.  For a long time I thought that if someone did not have a set idea of who I am, I was fine. It's better they not know. 

BUT do I really want that? Not anymore.  Honestly, I realize I have been to concerned with how people perceive ME to be, not who I am in Christ.  It's selfish, really.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps.139), what have I to be afraid of? People's judgment of me?  No.  Not obeying God? Yes.  My pride has kept me from getting to know other people, building relationships, and focusing on other people's hurt.  My generation is SO wrapped up in getting things now and not later.  Patience is something that is learned through practice.  Consumed with self, we fail to see anything but the now. Instant gratification is what we want.

I am by no means wise or a person with all the answers.  I am learning, which is a life long process. I just don't want to waste anymore time being afraid of failure.  My biggest battle is stepping outside of my comfort zone and learning to trust in the Lord without leaning on my own understanding of my experiences.  But I have a feeling that once I do step out, it won't be as difficult as I thought.